"Xhosa men are...?"

There was a trending topic (TT) on twitter last night which I think was started by Claire Mawisa (@clairemawisa) and it was "Xhosa men are..?" in which people were meant to fill in the gaps about what they thought about Xhosa men.

This comes at a really convenient time for me because I recently got into a fight with a Xhosa guy and my automatic reaction to his ultra ‘douchey’ behaviour was "Oh ya, he's Xhosa". Also, I told my friend that I was attracted to a Xhosa guy and she wanted to shake the crush out of me without even meeting him. What is it about the whole cultural group that can make the skin of so many women crawl on just hearing about them?

Many people I've spoken to always run with the "when they come back from the mountain, everything changes" argument. Some people believe that they get taught that women are beneath them and that cheating and hitting are completely acceptable during the initiation process.

The Xhosa guys I know are actually really cool guys but I must say, I really don’t think I’m interesting in taking one of them home. They do have warped views on fidelity and respect in general. My friend dated a really rubbish example of a human being who really treated her like rubbish in the purest way… He cheated on her like his sperm would save the world and even on more than one occasion, hit her. This might have very little to do with the fact that he’s Xhosa (like many other examples) but it is rather interesting that most girls (even Xhosa ones) always advise to stay as far away from Xhosa men, romantically, as is possible.

I would love to hear from Xhosa guys as to what they think the reason for this generalisation is… And from people who support or detest Xhosa men for whatever reason. Please comment on the blog or hit me up on twitter (@DameLesego) to let me know.

"Some of my best friends are black!"

I recently had a very interesting conversation with a girl I went to high school with and the topic was: ‘Can black people really be friends with white people without compromising themselves’? (I’m not talking to you if you are not out of school).

Now this is not aimed at the token black in any group, so if you find (when you look around) that you are the only person who looks like you, then play on playa... Also, if you are white, I can’t pretend to know this from your side so this will mostly be from a black perspective.

Now I’m not saying that I think white and black people can’t be friends but what I am saying is that it seems there has to be compromise by black people in order to make a success of the friendship. I’ve seen many examples of it: every time white and black people get together, it’s on the white people’s terms and most often on their turf. There’ll always be black people ready to go party with their friends at Tiger Tiger or Clapham Gold. But white people are always so apprehensive to venture to Pop Bottles or Hush (except the tokens). Herein lies the first compromise.

It’s interesting to me that (both black and white) “tokens” are often said to want to be a person of the other race. White tokens will be called ‘wiggas’, date black people, mostly have black friends, say “yo dogg” or “wasup bitch” a lot, and idolize Eminem. Black tokens wear white-framed sunglasses, think black “dolls” are gross and changed your name from Sipho to Seeps. Or you wear blue contact lenses, ‘could never date black “okes” and call yourself Diane when you’re really Dimakatso. Compromise of identity?

When I was in high school in Kwa Zulu Natal, I went to an amazing private school that actually had complete racists brimming underneath the surface. Someone even asked me if I thought Usher was hot and when I asked her in return she said, “I can’t tell if a black guy’s hot coz I don’t like big noses and lips”. I’ve never been more shocked in my entire life. She wasn’t even aware how racist that was. Also another girl complained that she’d get AIDS from an under-privileged group of visiting school girls and referred to Oros as ‘gardener juice’. A 3rd girl was ostracized by her friends for a certain period of time for being attracted to black guys. I’m sure many black people have also been in a social situation with white people where there was one other black person of the opposite sex and automatically everyone was trying to set you up coz you’d look “so cute together”? Bain of my existence!

Obviously there are people who’ve broken through the invisible walls and maintained healthy interracial friendships but as a whole, a lot has got to change in people's minds before they can truly appreciate and understand but also celebrate their differences.

By the way, Check out: www.blackpeopleloveus.com It’s hilarious!

The dark/light debate

A recent Tyra episode caught my attention. It was about black women who bleach their skin using various methods so that they can appear lighter skinned because that is seen as more appealing. Lil Kim is one of the most famous faces to fall victim to skin bleaching (which by the way is incredibly unsafe and it makes women look lighter in a weird, almost grey way).

Then there are the made-up terms to label women: “yellowbone” and “redbone”. These are the categories that some women are forced into in the black community based on how light they are.
I’ll define them for those of you who are confused:

A ‘yellowbone’ is a very light skinned black woman… Famous examples: Beyonce & Lauren London.

A ‘redbone’ is a bi racial woman (half black and half something else- Asian, White… etc) Famous examples: Alicia Keys & Amerie.

As far as I’ve heard though, there isn’t a set term for dark-skinned or medium skinned black women.

This brings me to my point: why is it that in almost any country where there is a black community, people always admire the lighter skinned women? Music videos are always parading the light skinned women ‘at the front’ and black celebrity men always have light skinned women on their arms. E.g. Kanye West and Amber Rose or Lil Wayne and... well… any of his baby-mommas. In this post light skinned refers to both “yellow and redbones”.

Very often when I’m on twitter for long periods of time, I see men and women proudly use these terms and mostly (if not always) if someone is ‘yellowbone’ or ‘redbone’, they’re said to be the most beautiful girls around. Even if you look at the black women in Hollywood movies (particularly ‘cross-over’ stars that are in white movies) they are always light-skinned and often have sharper features: Zoe Saldana, Thandie Newton, Halle Berry and even Queen Latifah (although she’s broken the weight barrier).

So many times around Joburg, I’ve seen VERY average-looking ‘yellowbones’ and ‘redbones’ who are touted as the “phlyest things” around town simply because of their ‘light skinnededness’.

Even if you look at ‘the hottest’ famous women (Rihanna, Halle Berry, Beyonce, Cassie… etc) they are all light skinned. And when they do photo shoots for products or magazines, there are always complaints from a select few, that the woman/ model has been photo-shopped to appear even lighter, so that they appeal more to the wider market. Why is it that dark-skinned = unmarketable and “unpretty”? Yes there are some gorgeous light-skinned girls and this post isn’t in anyway trying to undermine them or say that they’re all ugly but I’m just trying to understand why they are celebrated so vehemently when other black girls are over-looked because they have more pigment.

Women like Kelly Rowland and Gabrielle Union are not nearly as famous or seen to be as beautiful as their light skinned counterparts when in some cases, they are actually better-looking. And of course the same is not true for men because some of the most popular (in fame and looks) men are dark: Idris Elba, Reggie Bush, Kanye and Kobe Bryant.

Before it was a problem of models being unattainably skinny, now many fashion houses and magazines are making an effort to promote ‘plus-size’ and healthier models. Now though, it’s sad days for dark-skinned children right now, as I can only see this phenomenon getting worse. How are they supposed to feel when they don’t see women who look like them being celebrated for being beautiful?

Food for thought